script for comments

[daveshorty]

Hi there. Here's a first draft for my final uni film. Would love to hear some constructive criticism etc. Cheers!!

(NOTE: the characters named ?SKINHEADS? are so-called for convenience here. They will not be stereotypical Nazi skinhead thugs, but a trio of shaved-headed normal-looking young men ? it is not apparent to Bryan that they are racists until the beating scene.)


1. EXT. STREET - NIGHT

It is dark and we are on a street, outside a bar. This is the University district of Belfast.

We see three SKINHEADS beating up MARTIN, a young black man. We see BRYAN, a young white man, watching the incident in horror.


2. EXT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING ? DAY

Establishing shot of the building. It is earlier that day.


3. INT. LECTURE THEATRE ? SAME

We are in a university lecture. It is clear that it must be the start of the year as the lecturer is explaining the definition of Sociology. People sit scattered around the room, looking bored and scribbling notes.

BRYAN enters the lecture theatre from the back, and scans the room for a free seat. He turns and spots a free single seat in the back corner of the room, and sits in it. He takes his notebook and pencil case out of his bag and sets them on the desk.

BRYAN looks around at his new classmates. Three SKINHEADS sit a few rows in front of him. One of them, BERNIE, has been watching BRYAN.

BRYAN notices BERNIE looking at him, and nervously looks away, scribbling in his notebook. When he looks back up, BERNIE is still looking at him.

BERNIE gestures him to sit in a free seat beside him. BRYAN nods in approval, and lifts his things. He moves down to the SKINHEADS? desk and sits with them. The group introduce themselves quietly and get into a hushed conversation.


4. EXT. LECTURE THEATRE ? LATER

The lecture is over. People from the class emerge from the building?s main entrance.

BRYAN and the skinheads emerge from the building, laughing and joking.

One of the SKINHEADS seems to be watching a young Asian man who has just emerged and is walking away from the building.

BERNIE
(to Bryan)
Anyway, meet us later, mate. It?ll be a
laugh.

BRYAN
Yeah, I might just do that. See ya later.

The SKINHEADS move off and Bryan spots his friend, MARTIN, across the street. He jogs over the street to meet him.

They talk as they walk down the street at a leisurely pace.

MARTIN
Do you know them?

BRYAN
Nah, I just met them there now. Dead on
guys. Might be going for a drink with them
later. You working tonight?

MARTIN
Yeah. Guess I?ll see you there.

BRYAN
You should come along too. I?m meeting them
quite early probably. What time do you
start?

MARTIN
I?m meeting Lucy beforehand anyway.

BRYAN
Oh. Okay.

MARTIN
(looking back)
Are they not those fellas that got
Suspended for beating some lecturer?

BRYAN
Huh ? ?

MARTIN interrupts Bryan?s response.

MARTIN
Ah, shit! I?m late for meeting Lucy.
See ya later, man.

MARTIN jogs away abruptly, leaving BRYAN to look on with a frown.


5. INT. BAR ? NIGHT

We are in the Student Union bar, later that night. The bar is very busy, and there is loud music and a lot of talking. We now see that MARTIN works in the bar. He stands behind the bar in uniform, cleaning glasses.

BRYAN enters and squeezes past some people to approach the bar. He catches MARTIN?s eye and gestures ?hello?. MARTIN nods in the direction of the SKINHEADS, who sit at a table across the room.

BRYAN gives MARTIN the thumbs-up and squeezes past some more people to move over to the table.

MARTIN watches BRYAN move off with a look of unease.

The SKINHEADS are playing cards at their table. When BERNIE sees BRYAN approaching, he gets up and welcomes him. The group shake hands and are all seated. BERNIE gathers up the cards.

BERNIE
(to Bryan)
You want in?

BRYAN
Definitely.

BERNIE shuffles the cards.

The night progresses and the group converse and seem to get on well. Many drinks are drunk.

At one point, one of the trio is flirting with a girl.

At another point, the group are playing a drinking game.

At another point, they all sing along to a song.


6. EXT. BAR ? LATER

Later that night, the whole group leave the bar. A few of them stop to light up cigarettes. They are quite inebriated and are speaking very loudly.

BRYAN and one of the SKINHEADS walk ahead of the other two, having a loud conversation about a girl they had been trying to woo all night.

BERNIE and the other SKINHEAD fall back a little, and BERNIE speaks to him quietly, while looking ahead at BRYAN.

MARTIN, his shift now finished, also emerges from the bar. He exits, wearing a jacket over his uniform, and carrying a bag. He crosses the road. BRYAN does not notice his presence.

BERNIE notices MARTIN and speaks to his friend again. He then runs up to BRYAN and taps him on the shoulder.

BERNIE
Come on, mate. Time for your initiation.

BERNIE gestures over to MARTIN and the SKINHEADS begin shouting racist remarks at MARTIN. BRYAN is slightly surprised at this, but is not expecting anything serious to come of it.

MARTIN, extremely offended, drops his bag and approaches BERNIE, looking like he is ready for a confrontation. BERNIE approaches MARTIN threateningly, and suddenly throws a punch. MARTIN stumbles backwards, clutching his mouth and nose.

BRYAN is stunned.

BRYAN
(shouting)
Bernie, what are you doing?

The SKINHEADS ignore BRYAN and proceed to beat MARTIN while hurling racist comments at him. We have now arrived back to where we began.

BRYAN
Guys! Please! He didn?t do anything! I
know this guy!

As the trio beat MARTIN, he tries to call for help from BRYAN, and occasionally looks directly at him. BRYAN, horrified, stands exactly where he is, and looks away.


7. EXT. BAR ? DAY

It is the next day, and BRYAN approaches the bar.


8. INT. BAR ? SAME

MARTIN is in the bar, looking bruised and beaten, talking to some co-workers about what happened. He is not in uniform. The bar staff shake their heads in disbelief at MARTIN?s story.

The door opens and BRYAN enters and approaches MARTIN. All the bar staff move away.

As BRYAN nears MARTIN, he too gets up and walks away from him.

BRYAN
Martin ?

MARTIN
(still walking away)
Why don?t you fuck off, mate.

BRYAN
Look, I?m really, really sorry. There?s
nothing I could have done.

MARTIN stops and turns back to BRYAN. He is enraged.

MARTIN
You stood there and watched, Bryan! And
didn?t even try to stop them! All you care
about is yourself! How could you make friends
with those assholes?

BRYAN
I didn?t know, Martin! I?m new here! I
only know you! And now you?re off all
the time with Lucy. I just wanted to have
some friends up here!

MARTIN
That?s what this is about, is it? You
let them kick the shit out of me because
I?m a bad friend? Well, what are they,
Bryan? Are they good friends?

MARTIN stops to allow BRYAN respond, but BRYAN does not know what to say.

MARTIN
Get out of my sight, Bryan.

MARTIN walks away towards the back of the bar. BRYAN calls after him once more, but MARTIN ignores him. BRYAN, in tears, turns and leaves.


9. EXT. STREET ? LATER

We see BRYAN, walking down the street. He is terribly upset. He has some tears in his eyes, but an expression of anger. He is walking briskly, his fists and jaw both clenched.

He arrives at his house, unlocks the front door, enters and slams the door shut behind him.


10. INT. BRYAN?S HOUSE ? LATER

BRYAN sits at a small table in his kitchen in silence, over a carton of milk. His expression has turned to one of cold rage. He breathes heavily and stares into nothing.

He eventually gets up and moves to the kitchen cupboards. He opens a drawer and takes out a small sharp knife, and slips it into his pocket. He closes the drawer.

He walks back to the table and drinks the last of his milk, then throws the carton into the bin. He is about to leave but sits down at the table once again and puts his head in his hands.

He rubs his forehead for a while, and then gets up and leaves the kitchen. We hear the front door open and shut.


11. EXT. UNIVERSITY STREET ? LATER

BERNIE and the other SKINHEADS stand against a wall and talk. They see Bryan approaching, and Bernie turns to greet him.

BERNIE
Bryan! How?s it going? Hope you had fun
last night.

BRYAN walks up to the trio, his hands in his pockets, and then stands, looking decisively and silently as BERNIE.

BERNIE
You coming for a drink, pal?

BRYAN does not reply. The other SKINHEADS, noting his silence, turn and look at him. There is a tense silence.

BRYAN has not brought his rage under control, but he succeeds in not making it as obvious. He grips the knife by his side, out of sight of the skinheads.

BERNIE realises that BRYAN is not on form.

BERNIE
You okay, mate?

BRYAN looks enraged, but begins to breathe a little lighter. He places the knife back in his pocket.

BRYAN
Yeah, fine. Sorry, got some work to do.

The SKINHEADS, suspicious, nod and move away. BRYAN closes his eyes and breathes a deep breath of relief.

BRYAN turns and walks around the corner, down another road, as the skinheads head off towards the bar. BRYAN slumps down against the wall, sighing with relief. MARTIN appears in front of BRYAN, having spotted the SKINHEADS. He looks consumed with anger and a lust for revenge.

MARTIN
Is that them? Were you talking to them?

BRYAN is now much more calm.

BRYAN
Look, leave it, Martin. I was being stupid
and I?m not going to hang around with them
any more.

MARTIN
And that?s going to fix it, is it?

Pause.

MARTIN
You think I betrayed you by not spending
every waking moment with you, Bryan? No.
Let me tell you the truth. You betrayed
Me. You were too scared to try to stop
those assholes beating up your friend.

BRYAN shows MARTIN the knife.

BRYAN
I was going to stab him, Martin. I wanted
to avenge all this. I don?t know that
came over me.

There is a moment of silence, as MARTIN looks up and and down between BRYAN and the knife, breathing heavily and looking poised to pursue the SKINHEADS.

MARTIN
Give me the knife.

BRYAN
What? Why?

MARTIN
Give me the knife, Bryan.

MARTIN slowly approaches BRYAN. He is so consumed with anger now, he looks like he could explode at any second.

BRYAN
Martin, you don?t want this thing! You
want to end up in prison?

MARTIN
I?m going to finish what you couldn?t.

MARTIN tries to grab the knife from BRYAN. BRYAN wrestles MARTIN to the ground in an attempt to keep him away from the SKINHEADS, who have now made it some way down the road.

BRYAN
(shouting)
Stop it, Martin! You?re not thinking!

MARTIN
He?s gonna get what he deserves, Bryan!

In the struggle, MARTIN inadvertently stabs BRYAN. BRYAN falls to the ground, bleeding.

MARTIN, too shocked to think, drops the knife and staggers backwards, observing his dying friend.

Police sirens in the distance signify MARTIN?s fate, as we?


FADE OUT.

[emjen]

well....

Didn't really like it. I was hoping for some twist or an original point of view, but you remained in the cliches these racist things tend to have. The characters are cardboard and the situations are too obvious. The scene with Bryan in front of Bernie was pretty tenseful though, have to give you that.

Story like this has been done many a times, and I liked that you started with the beginning of the end and I think you could play more with the chronological order of the events and the way you present them in your short.

As for your writing, it's clear enough, but you could still cut away some of your descriptions. "looks like he'll explode" for example, and you keep saying 'next day' or 'this is the university of'. Things that you won't see on screen unless you write them like they will show up on screen.